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Mar 8, 2022 · Key points. COVID has forced us to reframe our priorities. The isolation of the last few years has taken a toll on everyone. We need those hugs. Zoom, and all other forms of internet interaction,...
- Overview
- What it looks like
- How to respond
- Finding support
- The bottom line
Most family dynamics involve some degree of manipulation.
Some manipulative behaviors, like your mother’s yearly guilt trip, are fairly harmless: “I spent 27 hours in labor bringing you into this world, so the least you can do is spend a few hours having a nice holiday dinner with your family.”
In a family with a healthy dynamic, you might crack jokes with your siblings and even recite your mother’s words before she can say them. Sure, she’s making an emotional appeal to get what she wants, but since you’re all on the same page, this tactic doesn’t trigger any negative feelings.
At the end of the day, you know you can directly express your feelings whenever you want.
But family ties evoke a lot of strong emotions, and some people make deliberate use of these feelings. They might, for example, exploit a weakness when they want you to do things you’d rather not do — including things that cause you pain.
The tips below can help you recognize common manipulation tactics and respond effectively.
Manipulation involves an attempt to control someone else.
You can generally boil it down to one common behavior: Someone wants you to give up something — time, a personal possession, autonomy, power, or anything else — for their benefit.
Recognizing manipulation within families can be particularly difficult when the person is a parent, older sibling, or relative who has some authority.
If you believe you’re supposed to do what they say no matter what, you might struggle to challenge this pattern, even in adulthood.
Dealing with family manipulation and other toxic behaviors can be stressful, to say the least.
When you feel uncertain about how to handle the situation, you might avoid responding at all. This may help you avoid conflict, but it also allows the manipulation to continue.
Dysfunction in your family doesn’t affect just your immediate well-being.
It can also damage your self-esteem and affect your ability to develop healthy relationships as an adult. It can even show up in your own parenting.
A family counselor or any therapist who specializes in family relationship dynamics can help you (and your family) address problematic behaviors and prevent these long-term effects.
A therapist can also help you navigate ongoing situations by:
•offering guidance on setting healthy boundaries
•exploring positive communication tactics
Addressing problematic behaviors with a manipulative family member sometimes improves the situation. If it doesn’t, just remember: You can’t change anyone who doesn’t want to change.
You might feel a sense of duty toward your family — but in the end, you have to put your own well-being first. You have no obligation to maintain a relationship with someone who continues to hurt you.
Sometimes, loosening (or snipping) your family ties is the healthiest option.
Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.
- Clashing and/or toxic personalities. Starting off basic, it's far from uncommon for a family to have clashing personalities. Perhaps siblings don't get along with one another, or one child doesn't get along with one or both parents, psychotherapist Annette Nuñez, Ph.D., LMFT, tells mbg.
- Poor communication. Nuñez and Spinelli both note that lack of open and healthy communication is at the root of many more general family problems. As Spinelli explains, if it's really difficult to actually speak to a family member, if there are trust issues, if they dismiss you, or issues get swept under the rug, those are all family issues surrounding communication.
- Heavy pressure from parents. Perfectionism within a family can have extremely negative effects on children and their self-worth. As Nuñez notes, when parents shame or dictate how children should feel or be, it can take a toll on their ability to grow as individuals.
- Different parenting styles. One of the biggest hurdles of parenting as a couple is figuring out how to combine your parenting styles in an effective way.
- Identify in what ways the relationship may be toxic and how it makes you feel. A toxic relationship can manifest in many ways. Perhaps your relative always puts you down, lacks empathy, acts passive-aggressive, or ignores you when you speak.
- Accept that you may never find the root cause for your relative’s behavior. People do therapy for years—there’s never a simple answer. You may be able to talk to your relative to find out why s/he acts a certain way.
- Do not normalize toxicity. If you have done nothing wrong, don’t forget it is not normal for anyone to continually be negative, inconsiderate, and hurtful toward you.
- Don’t expect anything from your estranged relative. Yes, you might expect your family to have your back because you’d do the same, but don’t count on it with an estranged relative with whom you struggle to maintain a relationship.
- They may not be an inherently bad person, but they’re not the right person to be spending time with every day. – Not all toxic family relationships are agonizing and uncaring on purpose.
- Toxic people often hide cleverly behind passive aggression. – Passive aggressive behavior takes many forms but can generally be described as a nonverbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior.
- They will try to bully you into submission if you let them. – We always hear about schoolyard bullies, but the biggest bullies are often toxic family members.
- Pretending their toxic behavior is okay is not okay. – If you’re not careful, toxic family members can use their moody behavior to get preferential treatment, because, well, it just seems easier to quiet them down than to listen to their rhetoric.
Apr 26, 2021 · Family dysfunction often starts when the family starts, meaning that family dysfunction can be present throughout early childhood. Many people don’t realize until adulthood that their formative years were subject to unhealthy family dynamics. Here are some signs that you may have grown up in a toxic environment.
Jun 17, 2024 · Updated June 17, 2024. While many people prioritize their familial relationships and friendships, there are many valid reasons why you may not have any family or friends. No two people have the same needs, and you might thrive by leading a solitary life.
